Punish myself

I punished this night again.

I got mad at myself again so I decided I don't want to sleep at all. I could hardly resist so I will not do a stupid and crazy thing that he can see.

We had this truthful conversation about feelings and I told him that I love him. And that I have a lot of love to give, and he said.. that he doesn't have love to offer. I felt stupid that I fell for him. I needed to punish me again for:

- being so transparent
- showing my feelings
- having this kind of feeling where I can't just keep it to myself and I can't stop myself from saying it
- showing him my pain, that I am weak
- telling him about my exes
- for being this crazy

I had a crazy moment in the past when because I lost the battle I went to one of my exes place with a pack of cigarettes because I wanted to smoke. I never smoked before and I just wanted to be wild, to drag his attention to me, I guess... He told me I am crazy and I was so mad and crazy that I couldn't handle the thing that he won't let me sleep there, but finally, he did accept that. I can't forgive myself for being like this, I just hate myself so much for not controlling and for being this way.

I must have a piece broken in my brain because I don't have all the symptoms of depression and with this illness, you can't joke around. I can't say I am depressed, but I am not ok. I get sad easily, I get desperate and because of this, I will lose the guy I love.

I am crazy. I got even on mad pills because I felt that nothing could help me. And these pills calmed me, for a while. But when something is going on, now I think of the pills instead of alcohol.

I know I may just want to draw attention to me, but I don't understand. I just feel lost even though He likes me a lot and nothing could go wrong, but it hurts when I fight for... nothing. Or it's not useless my fight? He is crazy about me, but my soul hurts.

I punish myself by drinking a lot of coffee so I would be conscious of what is happening and feel the pain more.

I am crazy, right?